


The Silence of a Falling Star

by prairiegirl



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), American Idol RPF, Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-21
Updated: 2010-08-21
Packaged: 2017-10-11 04:40:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/108513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prairiegirl/pseuds/prairiegirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is an AU set in current day Portland, Maine.  Adam Lambert is running away but from what?  Can he survive the long winter or will it break him?  He meets Tommy who has problems of his own.  Can these two find common ground or even love from a friendship that doesn't start off in a friendly way?  This story is complete.  I was inspired to write this story by accidentally finding and then really listening to the old song "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry," that Elvis called the saddest song he'd ever heard.  I agree with that sentiment.  The song is sad and this is a sad story but it's a hopeful one too.  I really think this is a great story and I hope that you will agree once you've read it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Silence of a Falling Star

The Silence of a Falling Star

 

I've never seen a night so long,  
When time goes crawling by.  
The moon just went behind a cloud,  
to hide it's face and cry.

The silence of a falling star  
Lights up a purple sky  
And as I wonder where you are  
I'm so lonesome I could cry.  
"I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry"  
Hank Williams, Sr.

 

Chapter 1

He awoke in a wash of sweat and fear. The dream was always the same, starting innocently enough then escalating as he fell into a dark abyss where there was no exit. He couldn't get out, not ever, and was forced to wake himself somehow before he completely lost his mind. It wasn't much better to be awake after. The images replayed themselves, over and over, until he was finally able to stop trembling and crying and saying "please," and wondering why, again and again.

It had started getting cold in the fall evenings in Portland, Maine, and on this night, after the dream was gone, he found himself shaking from the heartless cold that settled in around three a.m. He shivered as he pulled the damp blanket close to him and lay there trying to get warm again. A few tears of utter frustration squeezed from his closed eyes as he tried to settle down while wondering if life would ever be all right again. He finally fell into a troubled sleep knowing all too well that he had to be up in an hour or so for work.

The alarm at four a.m. finally woke him up for good. His head throbbed with both the aftermath of his nightmare and what was going to be one hell of a hangover. He showered quickly in the cold bathroom, shivering as he dressed. He'd be warm soon enough when he got to the bakery where he'd worked for a little over a year. It was the hardest physical work he'd ever done but it satisfied him somehow. There was no time to think at work and no one bothered him because they had too much to do. He was quickly ready to leave, taking time only to swallow some Tylenol and make coffee which he'd drink on his way to work. A good fifteen minute walk waited for him like it did four other mornings each week. He didn't mind the walk until winter when it took a long time getting through snow and thick ice.

He got to the bakery on Commercial Street just at five a.m. Monte, the owner, greeted him when he got there. "Hey, Adam, how're you doing, man?"

"Okay, Monte. What's up today?"

"Lots of morning pastries then breads. Special today is extra large cinnamon rolls. Start on those first."

Adam got right to it, stopping only to say hello to Michael and Matt as they arrived a little late.

"You guys having a nice leisurely morning?" Monte asked.

"Sorry," Matt said.

"Late night?"

Michael rolled his eyes and said, "You don't know the half of it. Sorry, boss."

"Just work on the morning stuff with Adam," Monte said pointing to Matt, "And, Michael, you start the breads. Don't forget to add to the sourdough starter, okay?"

"You've got it," Michael said, stifling a yawn.

Adam finished with the cinnamon rolls and moved on to scones, leaving croissant and danish to Matt. He was allowed a short break at about eight and took it as he usually did, outside and alone. As Adam walked outside he saw that it looked to be a beautiful day in the making. The sun was up and he took advantage of the early morning warmth by sitting down on the east side of the bakery with his back to the sun. He watched as people started their days walking briskly to work, sipping coffee, and going into the bakery to get something for breakfast.

He listened too, to the sounds of the morning, to the fishermen getting ready to go out. The seagulls flew high in the sky, swooping down only when they thought they'd found their prey in some morsel of food thrown away by a human. They were masters in their universe and Adam marveled at their freedom and apparent lack of fear in just living. He wished he could be more like the birds.

As his break drew to a close, Adam willed himself to stop thinking and to just get up and finish the job for the day. Before he went in he noticed something different. Adam knew everyone on the waterfront by sight. He rarely interacted with them but he recognized them and noticed when someone new showed up. Today there was a man, a boy really, very young looking, thin with a shock of blond hair covering one eye. The boy was dressed in tight jeans and an old, rather dirty pea jacket. He walked slowly down the pier towards Adam.

When the boy was close to Adam he looked up, saw Adam watching him, and their eyes locked together and held for a moment. The boy quickly averted his eyes and moved on a little more quickly. Adam wondered why he seemed so skittish as he stared after him. He shrugged and went back into work.

Adam had found the bakery job after he had been in Portland just a few short months doing odd jobs wherever he could find them. On one of his many walks around Portland he had seen the bakery and the sign in the window seeking help. Monte owned the bakery and wanted the best people he could find. It was tough to find anyone willing to be an apprentice especially with the early morning hours and the low pay, but something about Adam seemed to fit the bill. Adam was quiet and reserved but seemed very sincere in wanting to learn about baking, and said he didn't mind the hours.

It turned out that Adam was quite good at baking. He seemed to really like the solitary nature of it and could be trusted to do what needed to be done. While the other bakers would be talking and laughing while working, Adam was the quiet one concentrating on doing what he was supposed to. He tried to interact with the others but he found it difficult. He just didn't feel lighthearted, didn't feel like laughing or smiling very often. Instead he just worked. It satisfied him somehow, it was almost like a penance for his perceived sins, and it also gave him some reason to be alive in this world.

As his working day drew to a close, Michael asked Adam if he was going to be at Andy's, the closest bar to the bakery on the waterfront. It was a Friday night and everyone wanted to get wasted, have some fun and maybe get laid.

"Come on, Adaaaaam," Michael said. "You hardly ever come. You got something against us?"

"No, Michael, no, nothing against anyone, not at all. I might go. You said the second shift will be there too? That's a lot of people."

"Yeah, kind of like an office party, right Monte?"

Monte rolled his eyes, but smiled and said, "Just like an official office party. You better be there, Adam. Don't want the boss to be disappointed."

Adam was still non-committal, but said, "Okay, I might make it. You said starting at six, right?"

"Yeah, we're making a night of it. Only excuse for leaving early is if someone gets lucky, ya know what I mean?"

Adam didn't react or smile but said, "Yeah, got it. Okay, maybe later, guys. I've got to go now. Have a good weekend everyone."

"So long, Adam," Monte said and sighed.

"I don't think he likes us," said Matt.

"I don't think he likes most anyone," Monte said and shook his head.

It was just past one when Adam left the bakery for the day. He smiled when he felt the sun. He loved the sun, had grown up with sun-filled days and only wished Maine could be a bit more like San Diego. Winter was coming and he knew it, the chill air was already there in the night and would soon fill the days too. He'd better enjoy these last days of warmth while he could.

Adam went to the Porthole and got lunch to go. It had been there forever and he liked it because it was very down to earth and also inexpensive. Adam couldn't afford many meals at restaurants but it was Friday, the weekend loomed ahead of him, and he decided to treat himself with chowder and a hunk of a baguette and a good coffee from his own bakery. He walked to one of the benches nearby that looked out onto the piers and the bay and started eating.

It was a great vantage point for people watching, which was mostly what Adam did these days. That and go to bars where no one knew him. Boats of all sizes were busy, bringing in catches, the crews ready to stop for a couple of days. Some weren't so lucky and went out every day, but they'd still all be out at the bars tonight.

Adam felt tired after eating despite the strong coffee, and dozed off for a little while. The warm sun enveloped him, pushing him farther into a gentle half-sleep. A dream was just starting when Adam felt a finger moving down his cheek. He jumped up and off of the bench and kept moving away from it as he saw the boy from this morning looking at him and saying something.

"What? Did you do that? You were touching me?" Adam asked incredulously.

The boy looked at him rather solemnly and said, "I didn't mean to scare you. You just looked so pretty sitting there."

"Well, don't do it again." Adam said warily.

"Okay, man. You're taking this all wrong. You were just pretty but I'm sorry. Don't go away. I'm backing away, see?"

Adam didn't really know what to do. Who is this crazy guy? he thought. "I'll just get my stuff," Adam said.

"Are you gonna eat that?" the boy asked pointing at the leftover baguette.

"Am I going to...eat it?" Adam murmured. "Uh no, guess not, it's all yours."

"Thanks, man," the boy said grabbing the bread and pulling off a large hunk. "This is so good," he said smiling. "Where'd you get this?"

"It's from the bakery where I work."

"You make this?"

"Um, yeah, most likely I did."

"You're good."

"Did you miss lunch or something?" Adam asked him.

"Or something, yeah," the boy said. "What's your name, beautiful?"

"Don't call me beautiful. My name is Adam."

"But you are...beautiful. I'm Tommy. Would you please sit down? I promise not to shock you again."

"I saw you this morning."

"Yeah."

"You didn't seem too friendly then."

"I was cold. I was tired."

"Rough night?"

"Yeah, rough night."

"Okay, I'm sitting down, but if you make a move..."

"I won't," the boy said and settled back against the bench while eating the bread.

"You're new here."

"Yeah, brand new here."

"Why here?"

"Why not?"

"You are from?"

"Everywhere and nowhere. Where are you from?"

"How do you know I'm not from here?" Adam asked.

"Aside from the accent you mean?" Tommy said laughing.

Adam almost smiled but managed to look intently at Tommy. "Where do you think I'm from?"

"Well, I think you have California written all over you, but that's just my sense of it."

"How on earth would you know?"

"I wouldn't really but I get this vibe from you. Don't people usually go to California to find their dreams?" Tommy asked pointedly.

"So I've just reversed the process," Adam said. "I really don't want to talk about it."

"Okay, fine."

"Fine. I've got to go."

"Where to?"

"I have stuff to do. It's really none of your business is it?"

"Okay, if that's what you want."

"It is," Adam said picking up the remains of his coffee. "Enjoy the bread."

"Thanks again," Tommy said and sighed as he watched Adam walk away, a tall, thin, gorgeous man dressed in tight jeans, wearing a knitted cap with black hair spilling out just a little from the cap. The hair complimented the intense blue eyes. This man's eyes were indeed the window to his soul, showing passion, and kindness borne from pain hidden way down inside. He was an enigma and probably the most beautiful man he'd ever seen. "Maybe we'll run into each other again," he said to the wind blowing in off the sea now, a little chilly in the fall afternoon.

 

Chapter 2

Adam walked home quickly, wanting nothing more than solitude. It had been a long day full of people and he wanted to be quiet for a while. He lived in the West End in a crappy small apartment that was all that he could afford but he was grateful he could afford anything. The neighborhood wasn't great but he was a big guy and so far no one had tried to mess with him. He almost smiled again, thinking about how Tommy had scared him out of his sleep.

He got to his building and walked up the two flights of creaking old stairs to his apartment. His building housed four apartments, all the same. The front door opened onto the living room. The bedroom was to the left and had two nice bay windows. There was a long bathroom and a small kitchen. The best thing was the little porch off of the kitchen. There was enough room out there for a couple of chairs and a couple of plants. The porch was wood as were the stairs that led down to an unused and unkempt back yard. It was small but might be nice with some work. Adam wanted to work on it next spring and hoped the landlord would let him.

Adam was tired and if he was going out tonight he needed a nap. He lay down on his bed and fell asleep easily in the quiet of the afternoon. The only furniture in the room, aside from the bed, was a small table serving as a nightstand and a small lamp. The blinds were always drawn, shutting out the world as if that might help him sleep better. Today he slept well, waking up at about four. He'd actually dreamed. A nice dream, out in the sun and at the beach with Brad, back when Brad loved him, before everything went to hell. They were having such a nice day, lying in the sun, making out lazily, happily together. It was a lovely dream but it made him too sad to think about it for long.

Instead he got up and showered and found something to eat. Adam had one little secret. He fed the stray cats that kept showing up at his back door. They were skittish and afraid but very hungry and he couldn't bear to think of them suffering so he fed them everyday. The cats changed but the habit never did. Adam would take the food out late in the day and sit and wait for them. Some were friendlier than others and they seemed to have a leader who called them forth when it was time. If he was late feeding them, the leader would be outside, near the door, waiting for him. He'd named that cat Tugger and would have sworn to anyone that the cat smiled at him. Tugger let him pet him and seemed to show gratitude. Adam had always been partial to cats and his strays gave him another reason to be in the world.

Adam smiled as Tugger charged up the stairs and dug into his dinner. He petted him and heard a growly purr. "Don't worry Tugger, I won't take your food," Adam said soothingly. "I see you have a new little fluffy one today. Where do you find them?"

A few of the others came close, a couple let him touch them, but only fleetingly. None, even Tugger, would let him too close for very long. Adam worried about the coming winter. He'd take them all in to save them if he could, the problem is they wouldn't do it, they were that afraid. He would try harder to make friends with them so that maybe they'd let him help them. He would try.

Finally, it was time to go out. He decided to go to Andy's and try and be friendly with his co-workers. Maybe if he drank enough he could do it like he meant it. He wished he could. He wanted it to be so. Talking to people wouldn't hurt, so why was it so hard. Adam sighed as he set out for the bar.

Adam dressed simply for the evening, jeans, a long shirt, a black leather jacket left over from the old days and a long scarf. He'd left his hair emo style and wore no makeup except for a little black eyeliner. Some old habits were hard to change.

When he walked into Andy's he saw that Matt was already getting drunk. The day crew, Kris, Megan, Ali and Anoop had obviously been there for a while. Adam said his hello's to the crew and said, "Guess I've got some catching up to do."

"Here, Adam, start with this," Monte said handing him a vodka martini. "Drink up, baby."

Adam downed it and placed the glass on the bar with a little clink. "Here, Adam, looks like you need this," Michael said handing over another vodka martini.

"Okay, y'all, shots are on me," Matt said laughing wildly as he passed them out. "Tequila, babies."

Adam started feeling a warm buzz and started loosening up a little. Everyone in the group started buying and he kept having drinks handed to him and Adam kept on downing them. When it was his turn, he bought everyone Blow Job shooters. That amused him and his co-workers too since they were all drunk. He guessed they already knew he was gay though he'd never talked about it.

The music was loud and they were all pretty rowdy. Ali grabbed him and pulled him onto the dance floor insisting she needed to dance with her Adam. Soon they were all on the dance floor, all dancing with each other and people started grabbing at him, pulling him over to them to dance. Adam did pretty well with it until Michael grabbed him. Michael was just so big, and Adam felt afraid.

He begged off all at once and said some quick goodbyes as he left the bar, inhaling the cool night air gratefully as he ran down the wharf, stopping finally in a quiet, dark spot back deep in an alley next to a warehouse. He was breathing heavily as he sunk slowly to the ground, his back to the hard brick wall. Got to be safe, he thought wildly. I'm safe here. I'll just stay here for a while.

Adam was drunk but not so drunk that he didn't know what had just happened. He wanted to scream, to cry. He was willing to plead with anyone, whatever it took, to be okay again, to have his life back. He hated this Adam, hated him, weak little fucker. He could think of only one thing that would make him feel better right now. He headed out to another bar, a safer place for him.

He entered the bar and ordered a drink from Cassidy, who gave him a knowing look as he handed Adam his drink. "Not too many more, baby, okay. I can see that you've had enough for tonight."

"You cutting me off already, Cass?"

"Not yet, honey, but soon."

Adam shrugged and looked around. The bar was busy on a Friday and there were many possibilities. Cass got Adam's attention and moved his head in the direction of a guy sitting at the end of the bar. Adam looked at Cass, raised an eyebrow and smirked. "You know me well."

"He's your type, that's all I know," Cass said smiling.

Adam moved to the end of the bar, touched the guy's shoulder with his own and said, "Hi, I'm Adam. Tell me you want me to buy you a drink."

The man looked at Adam, smiled coyly and said, "I'm Brian. I thought you'd never ask."

"Cass, two more and I'll have what he's having."

"Okay, Adam, but this is it, honey," Cassidy said, handing over the drinks.

Adam had to move fast. He playfully licked Brian's cheek. "Mmm, you taste good." He touched the corner of Brian's lip, then moved in quickly and kissed him softly, slowly making it harder, forcing his mouth open, sucking on his tongue. "Even better. Would you like to explore the possibilities?"

"Yes, please, I would," Brian said rather breathlessly.

Adam looked at Cass and nodded. Cass threw him a key which Adam caught one-handed. "Pretty good for a drunk, huh?" Adam said laughing.

"Would you like to come with me?" he said to Brian.

Brian nodded, "Yes."

"Follow me then."

Adam led Brian to a locked room in the back. He opened the door and quickly ushered Brian in then closed and locked the door. The room was dark with just a hint of light filtering in through a window, and sparsely furnished, the largest piece being an overstuffed leather chair. Adam grabbed Brian by the shoulders and shoved him roughly against the wall. He kissed him hard, exploring every part of his mouth and leaving both of them breathless when he finally pulled away.

"Did you like that, Brian?"

Brian moaned a little, grabbing Adam around the waist and pulling him closer. "Yes."

"Do you want more? Are you sure you want more?"

"I want more. Anything."

"Anything? You're sure?"

"Yes. Just do it."

"I'm going to fuck you and you're never going to forget it."

Brian was panting now and grinding hard against Adam. "I want you. Fuck me. You can fuck me all night if you want to."

Adam quickly unbuttoned Brian's shirt and pulled it off of him. He closed in and kissed Brian's neck, then marked him good with a few bites, then found both of Brian's nipples and twisted them sharply making Brian gasp. There's a thin line between pain and pleasure and Brian was feeling both. Adam bent down to suck then bite both nipples until Brian was moaning and writhing and pushing so hard against him.

"I think I see what you like and I like it too," Adam said. He undid Brian's pants, pushing them down to his ankles.

He pulled Brian over to the leather chair, turned him around and pushed him down onto the back of the chair. With one hand on Brian's back Adam said, "Don't move."

Adam quickly undid his jeans, pushing them down to his thighs. He rubbed his dick hard against Brian's back then inserted a lubed finger in Brian's ass. "Feels good, you like that?"

"Please...yes...more...just do it," Brian moaned while moving his ass back towards Adam. "Please..."

"You're almost there, baby," Adam said, fucking Brian's ass hard with two fingers while kissing and biting around the man's neck. "You're mine tonight, all mine," Adam hissed.

Brian was panting and moaning as Adam opened the condom. "I want you so much, baby. Do you want me?"

"Yes," Brian pleaded as Adam quickly pushed into his ass. "Yes...that..."

Adam held tightly onto Brian's hips and moved into him hard and fast, feeling exhilarated by the power he had over the man, evidenced by the sounds and movements coming from Brian. "You're such a slut, baby, all for me, my slut, aren't you? You've never had anyone like me, have you?" Adam growled and fucked Brian harder.

Brian was wrecked, body punished by pleasure, pain, and strong desire. "Never," he grunted. "I need more...more...oh...coming, don't stop."

Adam went into another place, his alone where his pleasure was all there was. He fucked Brian relentlessly, pulling him up, holding onto his thighs, hands so close to his dick, feeling Brian's come running down and over his hands. Adam kept fucking Brian, hearing the sounds of panting, grunting, and the slap of skin against skin, until he felt the orgasm starting deep inside him. He slapped Brian's ass hard, again and again as the climax came, rolling in as strong as a thunderclap shaking the earth.

Adam fucked his way down slowly, feeling every shuddering bit of it, saying, "So good...so good."

He pulled out and got rid of the condom, then pulled his jeans up. Putting a hand on Brian's back and rubbing it gently he said, "Come on, baby, time to get up."

Brian stirred slowly but finally turned over and got up. Adam gave him a little hug and kissed him on the forehead. "That was great. I'll just let you pull yourself together but I've got to get going. Maybe I'll see you around." He blew him a kiss as he left the room and heard Brian say, "Bye."

Adam handed the key to Cassidy, smiled and said, "Thanks for the hospitality and the good tip."

"Anytime, Adam. You going home now?"

"Yeah, it's been a long week and I've got a walk ahead of me. I'll see you next time."

Adam walked home slowly. It was very late but he didn't really want to go home. Home meant sleep and that meant dreams that he didn't want. There was nothing at home but there was nothing anywhere else either. He sighed and continued walking past old apartment houses, most of them patched together just enough to keep on with their mission of housing the poor people.

They were beautiful once, he thought. Young and fresh with a long life ahead of them. They just got old and no one cared for them. It's not their fault they're falling apart. He was halfway home when the scent from the waterfront really set in, luring him. Adam was a sucker for the ocean. He'd known it his whole life and his love of the water was one of the reasons he'd landed in Portland, Maine, of all places. Somewhere not too large, but large enough to remain anonymous, somewhere no one would ever dream of finding him. A place with an ocean with crashing waves and unimaginable space moving off into infinity.

The bars were closing down and there were quite a few people still on Commercial Street. He found a bench in the darkness, watched the scene, and listened to snippets of mostly drunken conversation, eavesdropping on lives of people he'd never know. There was laughter and tears, and a woman's voice pleading for someone to come back. As the crowd thinned out, a real chill started coming in from the ocean. Adam shivered and wished that it was spring instead of fall. He didn't care for winter. It was such a barren time, cold and forbidding. Still, he supposed that winter felt all too familiar considering his current state of mind.

Time to go, he thought, To sleep perchance to dream. He got up, hands in jacket, feeling the chill breeze and headed down the wharf towards home. A little way down on Commercial Street, he saw someone in the distance walking erratically then disappearing into a doorway of a large old brick building. He would have ignored what appeared to be just another drunk but the thing was, the person looked familiar.

When he reached the spot where he'd seen the person disappear, Adam saw someone huddled in the dark shadows of a small alley next to a building. All he could really see was something light and he realized that it was hair, blond hair. He walked over to the figure and recognized the man as he raised his head and looked up at him.

"Hello. Tommy, is it?"

"What're you doin' here?"

"On my way home. What are you doing here?"

"Just resting, man. What's it to you?"

Adam could see that Tommy was obviously drunk. He asked Tommy, "Are you okay? Do you need any help getting home?"

"Nooooo," Tommy said, head falling down onto his knees. "Leave me, man. Leave me alone. I'm fine."

"Okay, consider yourself being left alone," Adam hissed. "Fuck you. Why the hell do I bother?"

"So don't, okay? Don't bother. Leave me...alone."

Adam left then, almost sprinting, wanting to be home and safe, not wanting to know any more about whatever pain Tommy was in, not needing any more pain in his life. I don't want to know, he thought. I can't handle any more, no more.

Finally he was there, the only place he had. He thought then that he really treasured it, his crappy little apartment. And why not? It was the only place where the peace he craved was all his, a place where no one could get to him. He hurried up the stairs, undressed quickly, grabbed an extra blanket and fell into bed, hoping that good dreams would be his for this night at least.

 

Chapter 3

Adam awoke just as the light started filtering in around the edges of the carefully drawn blinds. It was almost six and he was cold. His blankets had been kicked off and he lay shivering in sweat-drenched sheets. He remembered the dream then, it had been vivid last night and had included some new characters, some of his co-workers, and Brian, and Tommy. They all knew about him and they had laughed at him.

It was too cold and wet to stay in bed so Adam got up, heading to the kitchen to make coffee. It was light enough now to not need any lights turned on. He sat down on the couch in the living area and quietly drank his coffee in the dusky, greyish light. He downed a couple of Tylenols for his raging hangover. This was going to be a bad one. He closed his eyes and tried to get comfortable on the old couch. It was Saturday and he was free, no obligations, no have to's. He settled back, trying not to think and soon dozed off.

When he woke up it was late, after ten. He was starving and a look around the kitchen told him he needed to go out if he wanted anything to eat.

The morning was crisp even though the sun was out. Adam walked to his favorite neighborhood market. The larger grocery stores were too far away and he liked his little store better anyway. He got what he needed for a few days and a little extra cat food. The number of cats visiting him was expanding.

After he brought his food home, Adam decided that he should enjoy a warm day while he still had one, so he went down to the water. He picked up some fresh bread and a sandwich from his bakery. He got a discount so why not. Wandering out onto a pier while sipping coffee, Adam found an out of the way spot in full sun to eat his lunch. The warmth felt so good. He sighed as he ate, feeling almost content.

After eating, he decided to walk around Old Port and maybe do some people watching, and maybe get a beer to take the edge off his hangover. He went to one of his favorite pubs, found a table in the corner by the window and started drinking and people watching. Adam was buzzed and feeling much better when he saw someone he knew. Well, he didn't really know him but he kept running into him. Tommy, the tiny and very pretty, rather elfin man with the long shock of blond hair in his face was entering the bar.

He looked disheveled and confused as he looked around the room. After their last encounter, Adam basically wanted to hide, but it was too late for that. Tommy saw him and started walking over to his table.

"Hey, man, mind if I sit down?"

"We've got to stop meeting like this," Adam said, frowning a little. He put out his hand indicating the chair opposite him and said, "Have a seat."

Tommy sat in the chair like it was a relief. "Thanks. Look...I think we got off to a rough start."

"You think?"

"Yeah. I was drunk last night, that's all. Wasn't a great night."

Adam shrugged and said, "Yeah, well, okay but I was just trying to be nice. You seemed so...alone."

"I was," Tommy said looking around the room. "Listen, man..."

"The name is Adam, Adam Lambert."

"Yeah, okay, Adam Lambert...Tommy Ratliff here to make you smile."

Adam smiled just a little and said, "Do you want a beer, Tommy Ratliff?"

Tommy smiled. His whole face lit up. "Great idea, it's just that...well, I'm a little short of funds today, so..."

"So you want me to buy you a beer?"

"I thought you might. If you want to."

Adam signaled the bartender for two more and went to the bar to pay for them. He placed a beer in front of Tommy and said, "Beer and service too."

"Thanks, man...Adam. Maybe a little toast then. To my new friend, Adam."

Tommy took a long drink of his beer and sighed. "Good stuff."

"You look like you needed that," Adam said.

"I did."

"Hangover?"

"Big one, yeah."

"Me too," Adam said smiling ruefully.

"So, I keep running into you on the wharf or in Old Port, do you live around here?" Adam said.

Tommy looked out the window for a long time like he was thinking about what to say. He looked at Adam, right into the amazing blue eyes and said, "No actually I don't live around here...I don't really live anywhere. I'm kind of in between places."

"How long have you been homeless?"

"Just a couple of months...well, through the summer really."

"You don't have a job?"

"No, the last one didn't work out."

"Did you want it to?" Adam said, frowning.

"I'm kind of a free spirit, you know?" Tommy said. "I'm a musician but the world doesn't seem to want any more musicians."

Adam's ears perked up hearing that. "So, Tommy the musician huh? Do you play an instrument or something?"

"Guitar," Tommy said softly. "Keyboard, too, in a pinch. Are you into music?"

"I used to be," Adam said looking sad. "That's not something I want to talk about though, so just don't, okay?"

"Oh. Okay, well, yeah I'm into music."

"Have you played anywhere?"

"Just open mike nights. A lot of those. I've been in a couple of bands that never worked out. I've tried in a lot of places, different states and it's just tough out there."

"That it is," Adam said rather solemnly. "Want another beer? I do."

"Sure, yeah."

Adam brought two more beers back and said, "My toast. To Tommy, the free-spirited musician. So what are you going to do?"

"I'm looking for a job, not sure I want to stay in Portland. I don't know."

"So, you're deciding something?"

"Yeah. I thought I might try L.A. 'cause that's where the music is."

Adam frowned and said, "If that's what you want, yeah."

"You ever been in L.A.?" Tommy asked.

Adam hesitated. He didn't want anyone to know about him, not one thing about him. Finally, he said, "Yeah, I've been there. It's been a while."

"Cool. So I guess it's hard there too?"

"Yeah," was all Adam said, looking out the window, watching the world go by.

"So, Adam, why are you in Portland?"

Adam looked at Tommy, frowned, and said, "I'm really not going to tell you much about me, Tommy. I'll say that I came here because there's an ocean. Is that enough?"

"Yeah, man, enough," Tommy said quickly while looking down. "Look...I've got to go, okay? But thanks for the beers and...I'm glad we're friends now, okay?"

"Okay," Adam said. "Catch you later, Tommy."

Adam left the bar soon after Tommy did. He felt sad, at an all-time low. It didn't help at all to talk to anyone, no one, because he couldn't really talk to them, couldn't...didn't want to be open. He hurried home, sprinting, almost running, needing so much to get away from all of it. It was late afternoon now, the sun was already going down. He threw his keys and the bread he'd bought earlier on a small table then went and collapsed on the couch, staring at nothing, feeling emptier than empty. The tears started falling, slowly at first then intensifying until he sat there sobbing, lamenting all the loss, and all the things that seemed no longer possible. He thought, who is this Tommy to bring this out in me? Who the fuck is he? Why do I even care?

I can't talk to one person on this earth without being scared, he thought. How will I ever be close to anyone again? It's not going to happen, Adam. I want...I want...what? Just to sing again, feel the joy of that, to smile at someone again, to be close, to feel like everything will be okay.

He cried until he couldn't anymore. I will survive, he thought. I will. Somehow. Adam walked to the kitchen and got the food ready for the cats. Tugger must be waiting for him by now. Probably pissed off as hell. He wasn't going to let the cats down too. He went outside and was greeted by an energetic cat greeting him warmly. Adam smiled and said, "Hey, Tugger, you missed me didn't you, sweet little Tabby? I hope all your buddies are still here today." He fed them then and sat down feeling better just being around them.

 

Chapter 4

Life went on the way it does for someone living half a life. Every day was the same, eat, go to work, get drunk, get laid, try and sleep without any bad dreams. The problem was, there were no good dreams either, and less reason every day to hope there might be. Winter was rolling in too, unforgiving and cold.

Adam left work on a Thursday in November tired and wanting just to go home. As he hurried down the wharf he saw someone familiar. He hadn't seen Tommy for a long time but surely that was him on the bench just ahead. As he walked up to the bench, Adam saw a figure lying down on it, curled up as if to keep the cold away. The hair gave him away.

He stood there looking at him for a moment, unsure what to do. Tommy appeared to be sleeping. I should wake him, he shouldn't be sleeping out here, Adam thought as he looked around to see if anyone had noticed him. He bent over and put his hand on Tommy's shoulder, shaking him a little. "Hey, Tommy, wake up, man."

Tommy only groaned a little but didn't open his eyes. Adam was worried and shook him again saying, "Come on, Tommy, wake up. It's Adam." Seeing Tommy like this made Adam very sad. He hoped that Tommy would believe he was being sincere. "Please, Tommy."

Tommy moved a little and opened his eyes just a bit trying to focus after coming out of his sleep. "I'm sleeping here."

"Tommy, get up. Just sit up."

"No. I don't want to."

Adam lifted Tommy up by his shoulders and leaned down until he was looking him in the eye. "Tommy, just wake up, okay?"

"Adam?"

"Yeah, it's just me. You awake now?"

"Yeah. Awake."

"You don't look too good, Tommy. Are you okay?"

"Yeah."

"What does that mean?"

"I have a little cold."

Adam felt his forehead. "Tommy, you're hot, man. You're really sick aren't you?"

"Yeah. Goin' back to sleep. Bye."

Jesus, now what the fuck do I do? Adam thought. I can't just leave him here like this. But you barely know him. You can't just leave him though.

"Tommy, can you get up? Come on, get up. I'll help you, put your arm around my waist. Like this."

"Adam. What're you doin'?"

"I want you to come home with me, just for a while. Just to warm up a little. Maybe eat a little. When's the last time you ate?"

"Ate?"

"Food," Adam said. "Come on. That's it. Up."

"Why're you bein' so nice? What do you want?"

"Jesus, Tommy, I don't want anything. Let me help you out, okay?"

"Why?"

"Why not?"

Tommy thought that was funny and started laughing, then started coughing and fell back on the bench. "I thought you hated me."

"Why?"

"You're not real friendly, ya know?"

"Okay, maybe, but come on, Tommy, you can't stay out here like this. You're gonna get in trouble, God knows what."

Tommy looked at Adam, at the blue eyes which looked sincere and really sad. He sighed and said, "Okay, Adam, just this once."

"Okay, good, just hang on, it's not too far."

It was pretty far for Tommy and he kept trying to make jokes about what wasn't far to Adam was sure as hell far to him. "This is like a marathon or something. Is this a test?"

"God you complain a lot, what the fuck is with the damned complaining?"

"Are we there yet?" Tommy said giggling.

Adam stopped and looked at him and laughed too. "You are sicker than I thought. Next up hallucinations."

"That would be nice," Tommy laughed. "I could use a little hallucinating. Will there be rainbows at your house?"

"I'll try and conjure one just for you. Well fuck, Tommy, we're there. Just two flights of stairs."

"Oh, is that all?" Tommy said laughing, then started coughing again. He would have fallen if Adam hadn't held him up.

"Come on," Adam said.

When they got inside, Adam led Tommy to the couch. "Consider this your couch, okay?"

"Okay," Tommy said sliding down so that he was half sitting, half lying down.

"How about you take your coat off to start?"

Tommy sat up slowly and took his coat off and Adam took it laying it over a nearby chair. "Next how about a shower and I'll make us something to eat?"

"Really, a shower?" Tommy said. "Need it that bad huh?"

"Yeah. I'll find something for you to wear and we'll wash your clothes later."

He pulled Tommy up and took him to the bathroom, which was right off the living room. "Can you do this yourself? I could help you."

"I can do it," Tommy said as Adam turned on the water and warming up the bathroom.

Adam found an old t-shirt, sweat pants and socks and hoped that would be enough. He'd crank up the heat a little if he had to. He brought the clothes to the bathroom and set them on the side of the sink. "These'll be big but they should work, and I even have a toothbrush for you. Right here, okay?"

"Okay, thanks, man."

"Okay then, I'll make some food."

Adam wasn't much of a cook but he had soup and a baguette from work. He got the soup heating on the stove in the kitchen and sat down at the old wooden table set beneath the room's only window. Adam felt unsettled about having someone in his apartment. He'd not had any visitors since moving in, and particularly not a man. I hope this isn't a mistake, he thought and felt a little helpless. Tommy seems harmless though. Just relax, Adam.

Tommy walked slowly into the kitchen wearing Adam's oversized clothes. Adam had to smile because he looked like a lost little boy in the large t-shirt.

"Lunch is ready. Have a seat, Tommy," Adam said pointing at the table. "You like soup, right?"

"I like just about anything."

"This is good stuff, and some really good bread from my bakery. That I know you like."

They ate together quietly. Tommy was eating very slowly and finally said, "I guess I'm not that hungry. It's not the food."

"It's okay. Why don't we get the couch ready for you and you can sleep for a while?"

Tommy's eyes were closed the minute he lay down. "Thanks...again," Tommy said from under the blankets.

"It's okay. I may be in and out the rest of the day. If you wake up and get bored, there's tv or you can listen to my ipod. It's got some good playlists.

After cleaning up in the kitchen, Adam fed the cats and decided to have a nap. He had to pass Tommy on the way to the bedroom and stopped for a moment watching him sleep. Tommy was so small and pretty. He looked sweet while sleeping. Adam looked at him and thought, If my life were normal I'd be all over him, get to know him, probably have mind-blowing sex. Yeah, I would.

Adam lay down, thinking about his life, thinking about Tommy, and hoping he hadn't made a mistake bringing him home. I'm so tired, he thought. I'll just rest a little and then see how Tommy is.

 

Chapter 5

Tommy was dreaming. He was hot, so hot, and thirsty. In his dream he kept trying to hang on to something because he kept falling and each time it was harder to get up. Finally, the thirst woke him up, and the noise, the sound of someone yelling, pleading. The sound of pain was palpable in the dark room.

Tommy sat bolt upright, breathing hard, looking around and seeing nothing in the darkness. He reached for the water bottle, drinking greedily, and almost dropping it when the sounds started again. The noise was coming from the bedroom. Tommy looked in that direction and said quietly, "Adam?"

There was no answer, only small sounds like someone was crying.

Tommy got up, heading toward the bedroom, again saying, "Adam?" He felt light-headed and shaky as he opened the door and saw Adam thrashing on the bed. It was so dark it was hard to see what actually was happening.

He got onto the bed with Adam and put his arms on his shoulders and shook him a little while saying his name again. "Adam. Adam, wake up. Please wake up. You're dreaming. That's all. Dreaming. Wake up."

Adam was laying on his stomach so Tommy lay down next to him and put his arms around him, hoping to make him feel secure when he came out of the dream. Adam was talking now, words muffled by pleading sounds, words like "please," and "no."

When Adam finally woke up he sat upright gasping loudly, shaking Tommy off of him. "Get off of me," he cried out. "Get off. Please."

"Adam, it's me. It's Tommy. I won't hurt you, Adam. You're just having a dream. Please, it's okay now. Look at me."

Adam was shaking as he slowly turned his head toward Tommy. "It's not...it's really...you, Tommy? I'm in my bedroom and you're Tommy?"

"Yes, it's me. C'mere, lie down next to me, hold on to me if you need to, just do it." Tommy reached out for Adam and started pulling him gently toward him. "Come on, turn around, face me and just lean up against me. I won't hurt you. Please, Adam."

Adam turned around and saw Tommy in the dim light filtering in from the street. He made a decision. Adam lay down and put his arms around Tommy and let him do the same. He sunk into the man, closed his eyes and cried, sobbing into Tommy's chest.

"It's okay now, Adam, it's okay," Tommy said as he rubbed Adam's back soothingly. "Just a dream, baby, just a dream. Hold on, just hold on."

When Adam finally quieted, he lay with Tommy for a long time, not wanting to move from the warmth of the moment. It was the only time he'd felt safe and warm in over a year and a half. Adam didn't know why Tommy could make him feel that, just that he did, and Adam felt better just knowing he could feel something.

"Tommy...I."

"Do you have dreams like that often?"

Adam hesitated then said, "Yeah."

"What the hell happened to you?"

"I can't..."

"How long has this been going on?"

"Since L.A., since right before I left L.A. I can't go there, okay? Please, I can't."

"Okay. I can't make you tell me. I won't."

"Thank you."

"It's the middle of the night. Do you want to try and go back to sleep? Do you want me to..."

"Stay. Please stay."

"Let me fix the blankets. It's cold."

"I forgot that you're sick. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, okay. Let me get some water. Do you want some?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, have a little, then let's warm each other up."

They fell asleep clinging to each other, each needing the other but for very different reasons. Tommy woke first as the edges of daylight started filtering in. He looked at Adam sleeping peacefully next to him, more beautiful in his peace than he'd ever imagined any man could be. His knowledge of the man was now changed, and with it his feelings for him. Tommy felt protective of the beautiful man who was in so much pain.

Tommy wasn't expecting the alarm so he jumped when it went off at four am. Adam groaned and opened his eyes. He felt like shit and imagined he looked worse.

"Just hit the thing, Tommy. Yeah, much better. I have to go to work today, then I have the weekend off. I'm sorry...about last night...that I disturbed you."

"Don't worry about it, okay? Please?"

"How do you feel?" Adam asked.

"Better. Tired but better. I'm a lot more worried about you."

"I'm fine and as I said, I'm sorry. I've got to shower now. You stay in here today if you want. Do whatever you want."

Tommy watched him walk out of the room. He decided he'd try and make some coffee. He didn't really know what else to do with himself or what to say to Adam to make him feel better.

When Adam got out of the shower he smelled the coffee and smiled, thinking that Tommy was very sweet. He was supposed to be the sick one, not Adam. He found Tommy sitting at the table in the kitchen, sipping coffee and smiling when Adam entered the room.

"Here, I brought you an extra large sweatshirt in case you get cold. And crank up the heat if you need to. It's included in the rent so don't worry about it. I think winter is really here."

"Here, Adam, have some coffee."

Adam got his travel mug and poured some for his walk to work and then sat down at the table to be with Tommy for a few minutes. "I have to walk to work so I have to leave really soon. Monte doesn't like it if I'm late. How do you feel?"

"A little tired. I'll probably take a nap. Maybe listen to some music."

"Okay," Adam said. "I've got to go. Tommy...thank you for being so nice to me last night. I'm sorry it happened. I guess I can be pretty intense sometimes."

"Stop apologizing. Thank you for letting me stay. You probably saved me."

"Ah, but you're a tough little one, aren't you?"

"Tough enough."

"I guess I could take a lesson from you then. I'll see you later, Tommy. Please eat whatever you want and get better."

Adam turned and left. He had a lot of thinking to do and the walk to work would be a good start.

It was early December and Portland was cold already, really cold. Adam could see ice in places and the sky coming through in the early light looked gray and forbidding. It was almost a snow sky and Adam could envision flurries today.

He thought more about the night before as he walked on, sipping the coffee Tommy had made. Adam felt both sad and happy. Sad that he couldn't get over his past, and happy that he'd finally let someone in even just a little. Tommy hadn't seemed fazed. Concerned maybe, but not fazed. He realized he knew very little about Tommy and vowed to try and get to know him. He wasn't in love, nothing like that. Just a little bit intrigued, and he was so pretty, and well, possibly nice. I'd like to kiss him, Adam thought and he smiled thinking about it. I bet he's a great kisser.

But what if he's not really that nice. Lots of people seem nice, Adam. He sighed as he approached work. There would be time later to think about it. Still, the cold didn't feel as cold as it might, no, not at all. Adam hoped the day went well and quickly because he couldn't wait to go home.

At work Adam was more preoccupied than usual, meaning that he was very quiet. He hadn't said more than hello to anyone and everyone had noticed. Adam had always been a mystery, had never opened up. All they knew was that he was from California, that he was 26, and had moved to Portland on a whim. They also knew he had family in California but Adam never talked about them just as he rarely talked about himself and never without being asked a direct question. Mainers are reticent people and Adam actually fit in quite well. Still, he remained a mystery and all of them wanted to know more about him.

Monte was a little worried and asked Adam if everything was okay. Adam just said that he thought he might be getting sick but that he was fine. Adam sensed everyone watching him and he hated it but he didn't know what to say. He thought about Tommy, hoped he was okay, hoped he'd stay until he got better. What am I going to say to him? he wondered. What if it happens again? The thing is, Adam knew it would happen, the dream that wouldn't go away.

Adam brought soup home for Tommy. He found him sleeping on the couch. He'd obviously fallen asleep while listening to music. I wonder what kind of music he likes? He hadn't thought seriously about music in a long time and he realized that he missed it. Thinking about it hurt too much though and he didn't want to go there.

Adam tiptoed into the kitchen, trying not to wake Tommy. He put the soup away and still in his coat went outside to see if there were hungry cats. Mid-afternoon was gloomy, as sad as his current mood. He put food out and sang quietly, calling to the cats. Soon they came. Tugger led the little band of cats up the stairs mewling the whole way, calling out to Adam. "There you are, boy. It's so cold today. I wish I knew where you stay at night. Hope it's a good place."

Despite the cold, Adam continued singing not only because it soothed the cats but because he liked singing. He'd always been a singer and once he'd had dreams of making it. No more though. His voice broke through the heavy silence of the gray afternoon brightening the day. Adam heard the back door open and turned to see Tommy standing there just looking at him.

"I'm sorry if I woke you."

"That's okay. I didn't know you could sing."

"Just a little."

"You can really sing, man."

Adam shrugged and smiled a little sadly. "I used to...sing. I don't anymore."

"Maybe you should. You're good. I'm a musician so I know, I can hear it. You should be out there singing, man."

"No, actually, I shouldn't," Adam said abruptly and turned away from Tommy.

"Are these your cats?"

"They're stray cats. I just feed them."

"They seem to like you."

"They like food but this one," Adam said pointing to Tugger, "I think this one likes me."

"He's got you wrapped around his paw," Tommy said, smiling a little.

"It's cold. Let's go in," Adam said while still petting Tugger. "I brought you some soup."

"And bread?"

"Yeah, that too," Adam said, smiling with his eyes.

Tommy inhaled the soup and the bread and said, "That was good. Thanks."

"I'm glad you liked it. You look better too."

"I'm much better. It's you I'm worried about," Tommy said frowning.

"I'm fine."

"Really?"

"Yeah. So, Tommy I know very little about you. How old are you? Where'd you grow up?"

"Can I just start with those two? And if I tell you about me then you have to tell me something about you. Okay?"

Adam sighed and said, "Okay, maybe just a little."

Tommy smiled. "Okay, I'm 26 and my real name is Tommy Joe."

"Me too," Adam said, "26."

"One down. I grew up in a tiny little town in Maine called Bingham. It's a nothing little place with about a thousand people, mostly poor people. It's in the sticks, way in. My father got out of Dodge when I was twelve. I had six brothers and sisters, four boys, two girls and at age twelve I became their mom since mine was either working or drunk or out with a new guy. We survived but barely. You and your stray cats remind me of them, of me and them."

"That's a lot of kids and it sounds like you got the raw end of it."

Tommy shrugged and said, "You just do what you have to. There was no one else to help out. Hey, I learned how to take care of myself anyway. I left when I was eighteen. I've only been back once, about six months ago when everything went to hell. Couldn't stay long though and that's when I came to Portland. I only wish I hadn't left my guitar at my mother's house. Anyway, when I left the first time I told my next older brother to take over mom duty. I left to find adventure and music, and be a musician."

"And you're doing such a good job of that now, right?"

"I'm just between things. I'll get my act together. Now tell me about you. Where'd you grow up?"

Adam looked at him warily and hesitated but finally said, "I grew up in San Diego. Only one shit-head brother, and two parents, picket fence kind of neighborhood, nice big house, fairly affluent."

"And you left all that to do what?"

Adam closed his eyes for a moment. "I moved to L.A. right after high school. There was nothing for me in San Diego and I wanted to be a singer. I have good parents, none of it is their fault."

"None of what?"

"None of anything. Do you want a drink? I want a drink," Adam said, getting up and bringing a bottle of Jack and two glasses back to the table. "Let's sit in the other room. It's much more comfortable."

They settled into opposite sides of the couch, Tommy wrapped up in his blanket and Adam sitting cross legged on the couch. He poured two drinks. "A little bit is good for your cold. Just a little though."

Adam downed his first drink and poured another. Tommy watched him stoically and Adam couldn't tell what he was thinking. He's hard to read but he's gorgeous in this light, Adam thought.

They sat together quietly as night set in early, creeping up on them, as quiet and intent as a cat stalking it's prey. They talked about little things, mundane, ordinary little things, and spoke of likes and dislikes and found a lot of common ground. It was easy and it felt good to Adam. He hadn't really talked with anyone in a long time.

Adam heated up more soup leftover from lunch and they stayed on the couch eating, drinking, and even laughing a little. When they were done Adam took the dishes into the kitchen and cleaned up. He filled up the cat bowls outside because the cats would need food on such a cold night. When he returned to the living room he saw that Tommy was asleep.

He stood watching him for a moment in the dim light from the lamp. Tommy was really pretty, the kind of boy Adam liked, small, lithe and pretty. He wanted to hug him, to kiss him, maybe to make love to him, but he was too afraid of the reaction to even try. Adam was too afraid of his own reaction. He might like Tommy too much. Still, he couldn't resist brushing back the bangs from his face and pulling the blanket up around Tommy. He sighed softly as he turned out the light and went to his bedroom.

 

Chapter 6

When Tommy woke up he didn't hesitate when he heard the terrible sounds coming from Adam's bedroom. He knew what it was now. What the fuck. Some kind of post traumatic stress? Something like that, he thought as he quickly ran to Adam and hugged him and told him to wake up.

Adam woke up trembling and he couldn't stop. He held on to Tommy as he slowly realized the dream was gone and it was just him and Tommy in the room. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I don't know why...I have these dreams. I woke you. I'm sorry."

"Adam, it's okay, man. Hold on. I think it's still pretty early. I want you to talk to me. Tell me. What is happening to you?"

"It's just this dream I have."

"Does this happen every night?"

"Most I guess."

"Can't you tell me about it?"

"No," Adam yelled. "No."

"When you're ready, I am too."

"Okay. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. Something happened. Something."

Adam turned away from Tommy then. He was embarrassed. This wasn't something he wanted to talk about.

"I need some light, Tommy. The candle. Let me light it. It'll feel better."

"Do you want me to stay?"

Adam looked at him when the candle was lit. He was gorgeous in the wispy light from the candle. His skin glowed, his hair was a mess, and the eyes looked at him. He has compassion, Adam thought. But I don't want him to feel sorry for me, please no.

Adam got back into bed. He wore only underwear. The covers were around his waist. Tommy reached out a hand and placed it on Adam's chest, staring into his eyes as he did so. He moved his hand up over Adam's chest and then along his shoulder and down his arm.

Adam was coiled tightly but finally reached out putting a hand around Tommy's neck and pulling him toward him. He looked into his eyes for a moment, those dark, endless eyes, and kissed him. It was very tentative and Adam looked at Tommy again before kissing him more insistently. He licked Tommy's bottom lip and the corners of his mouth, exploring the amazing beauty of that mouth.

Tommy sighed and opened up to Adam and then they were really kissing. Adam felt like he'd never been kissed before. Not like this. Brad was a good kisser but this was something else. His stomach fluttered, he felt hot, so overwhelmingly hot, and the want and the need was burning a fire in him.

Adam pulled away for a moment and said, "I didn't know...I wasn't sure if you liked guys."

"I kind of like both but you're not just a guy. I think I really like you." He kissed Adam.

Hands moved over bodies, along freckled arms, slowly and sensually. Mouths kissed and bit, and licked around jaw lines and down onto necks. Nipples were explored with hands and mouths drawing gasps from the other. Adam moved on top of Tommy, looking at him like he was his personal savior. He kissed Tommy and moved until his dick touched Tommy's. He rubbed slowly against Tommy's dick then held both together, squeezing and rubbing while he watched and listened to Tommy. He was beautiful and Adam loved the sounds of Tommy gasping and moaning. He wanted to make Tommy feel good.

"Tommy, are you sure...?"

"Yes, I want...this feels so good."

"I'm going to make you feel good, Tommy, promise."

"I know. Just do it. I want you."

Adam made love to Tommy, made love for the first time in years. He hadn't realized how much he loved intimate sex. He felt so close to Tommy and it was good, so good. Adam looked into Tommy's eyes as he pushed into him, slowly at first, wanting so much for Tommy to love it. Tommy responded by opening himself more, urging Adam on, telling him he couldn't wait any longer.

Adam fucked him slowly then faster, harder, at Tommy's urging. He was close to the edge when he found Tommy's hand then placed his own hand over Tommy's and together they started jerking Tommy off. Adam fucked Tommy hard, pushing in over and over, and kept on even as Tommy came spilling over both their hands. Moments later Adam came in a fury of hard thrusts and loud groans. He rode through the orgasm holding on tight to Tommy as his thrusts slowed down ending in the simple words, "Ah, Tommy."

They lay there for a few moments until Adam finally moved. He was shaking when he reached for Tommy and pulled him close. "That was so good. My God, so good."

"I know, Adam."

Adam kissed him, sloppy, messy, with passion. "Mmm...you are amazing. I think you like boys, Tommy."

Tommy laughed and said, "Yeah, I think that question is put to rest."

Adam laughed too, "Damn good thing you do 'cause I don't think I could stand it if you didn't."

"Me either."

"It's cold in here. Come lie down with me," Adam said pulling Tommy down next to him while pulling the comforter up over them.

"I can't have bad dreams if you're here with me. I can't."

"Just sleep, Adam."

"Tommy?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm glad you're here. I hope you don't think I'm...crazy or something."

"Not crazy. But something's wrong."

"Yeah."

"Maybe you can tell me...not now...sometime. Just think about it."

"It's hard...I've tried not to think about anything, about nothing at all."

"Stuff doesn't go away because you don't think about it."

Adam felt his stomach tightening, felt on the verge of tears. He didn't want Tommy to see him as some weak dude who couldn't cope. I'm coping, he thought. I'm surviving, living, working. What the hell else am I supposed to do?

Adam felt the tears starting, moving down his cheeks. He remained perfectly still though hoping Tommy would just fall asleep and not notice. Tommy moved in closer, curling around Adam's back. Adam felt Tommy's hand gently rubbing his back and move slowly down his arms before stopping and giving Adam a little squeeze. Adam realized that Tommy knew and was saying in the only way he could that it was okay.

I'll bet he has a few stories of his own to tell, a few skeletons in his closet, Adam thought. He also recognized that Tommy possessed empathy. He's tended to wounded birds before, Adam realized, as the tears streamed down his face. He thought, I've found something precious. I need to take care of it.

Adam fell asleep to the sounds of silence in the room as the first muted light started filtering in through the window and he felt safe. He hoped that Tommy felt safe too.

 

Chapter 7

It was a long winter but Adam and Tommy spent it together. Adam asked Tommy to move in until he got himself together but didn't really want him to leave for any reason. When Tommy started playing at a few clubs and found a few odd jobs he still stayed with Adam. They didn't talk about love or even about friendship. Everything was unspoken, the truth just out of reach for either of them.

Tommy was awakened most nights by Adam's nightmares. He could almost anticipate them now and knew what to do when they happened. Tommy would hold on to Adam, force him to wake up and spend time just holding him and comforting him. He didn't ask again about what had happened. Tommy figured that Adam would tell him when he was ready to.

Adam encouraged Tommy to find gigs playing at local clubs. He gave Tommy the money to have his guitar shipped from his mother's house in Bingham. She sent the guitar and a note saying she hoped Tommy was well but that she was having a real hard time without him around to help.

Tommy wasn't surprised when he read the note. "She'll never change, Adam. I feel really sorry for the couple of younger kids still there. I know what they're going through. I know I should be there but I need my life too. They're tough, like me. Most of them turned out okay."

"I hope you don't feel guilty," Adam said. "It sounds like your mom never grew up."

"Yeah. I don't think she ever did. She shouldn't have been a mom."

"But then you wouldn't be here."

Tommy laughed and said, "Maybe that would be a good thing."

"Don't ever say that. You're important in the world. I want you to know that," Adam said.

"Same goes for you," Tommy said. "So when are you going to start doing a few gigs singing?"

"I don't know...Tommy, that was my old life and look where it got me."

"You're too good not to do it, Adam. Wouldn't it feel good just to sing again?"

"It might."

"Just think about it, okay?"

"Yeah, okay."

"Do you like your job?"

"It's okay, Tommy. Pays the bills. They leave me alone and they try to be friendly."

"Maybe we could play together. Guitar guy and the singer?"

Adam laughed. "It might be fun. I'll think about it. One thing my job does provide is that I've saved enough money to get a car, not a great car, but still..."

"That would be something," Tommy said. "We could travel farther out into the world, find more gigs that way."

"Not too far, okay?"

Tommy sighed. "The world has good things, Adam, not all good, but still lots of good stuff."

"I know. It's just...hey I was thinking maybe when I get the car, maybe in a couple of weeks, we could go to the beach, maybe rent a little place for the weekend. Would you like to do that? I really miss the beach."

"Yeah. Where did you have in mind?"

"Not too far, maybe Ferry Beach. I went when I first got here and still had a car. There won't be anyone out there in March 'cause it's still way too cold and it'll be cheap to find a place to stay."

"I'm in. Great idea...be good to see something new. I'm from Maine but I know mostly about the woods, not the beach. I've been to a few but I've never spent much time."

"The beach is special, Tommy, and I miss it. Ferry Beach is amazing. It goes on and on for miles."

One night in late February Tommy had a gig playing with a band at a popular club. Adam invited everyone from work. This was Tommy's best gig to date and Adam wanted to support him. No one at his job knew that Tommy was Adam's roommate and lover. None of them were even sure if Adam was gay.

"Who is this guy, Adam?" Monte asked.

"Just a guy I saw at a club. He's really good and I thought you might like to see him. It's been a long time since we all went out."

"That it has," Monte said. "We'll be there, Adam."

Tommy and the band were going on at nine so the group started gathering early at about seven. It was a Friday night and everyone was ready to let loose. Even Adam seemed upbeat and laughed and smiled much more than usual. By the time the band came on everyone was pretty drunk.

When the band took a break Adam went to find Tommy. He wanted to introduce him to his friends.

When he found him he said, "That was great, Tommy. You had them all up dancing."

"Yeah, it's a pretty good band. The best I've played with for a while."

"C'mon, I want you to meet my co-workers. Want a drink?"

"Hell, yeah."

When they reached the table, Adam made introductions and everyone toasted Tommy.

Monte said, "That's pretty good playing. What you guys need is a new singer."

Tommy looked at Adam and smiled. "Yeah, I think I agree. He's a nice guy though."

After Tommy left, Adam sat next to Megan. The rest of the group was up and dancing to the recorded music that played between sets.

Megan looked at Adam, crooked her head a little and gave Adam a look. "Um, Adam, I'd say you have it pretty bad for that guy."

"What?"

"You heard me. You're really smitten. It's all over your face. I'd say he feels the same way."

Adam scoffed. "And you can tell how?"

"Simple body language, sweetie. And also that you couldn't stop smiling when he was over here."

"Really, Megan, he's just a friend."

"Okay, but he's an awfully cute friend," Megan said and laughed. "You might want to think about what your definition of 'friend' is."

"I don't want to talk about it anymore, Megan, okay?"

"Okay, whatever you say. Just so you know though, it's nice to see you looking so happy."

"When do I not look happy?'

"Oh, Adam."

They were interrupted when the others returned. After that it was a long night for Adam. He stayed 'til the end for Tommy but he wished he could just vanish. What is she talking about? he wondered. He is my friend...well, lover too...but I didn't think that was obvious.

Adam got his car at the beginning of March and started looking for a place to stay for their weekend at the beach. He even asked Monte for a day off so they could make it a long weekend. Monte was surprised but glad to see that Adam looked happy and excited about getting away. He hadn't told anyone that he was taking basically a day trip turned into three with Tommy.

Adam found a little cabin close the beach that was dirt cheap in March. It even had a small kitchen and best of all, a fireplace. It sounded romantic and Adam was surprised that the idea appealed to him. He was really looking forward to this. Just him and Tommy.

He told Tommy the destination would be a surprise and thought that Tommy seemed pretty happy about their adventure. The only thing he worried about was leaving the cats for three days.

"Tommy, what should I do about them?"

"Maybe just leave extra food?"

"I just don't want them to think I've abandoned them."

"They won't think that if there's food," Tommy said somewhat amused by Adam's concern. "You really like them, don't you?"

"Yeah, I really do."

"They'll be okay, Adam. It's warmer now, snow's going away. Just leave a lot of food."

"Okay, I'll do that then."

 

Chapter 8

They drove to Ferry Beach on a Friday morning in mid-March. There was a cold wind coming in off the water, but the air was much warmer. Spring was definitely close. The first thing Adam did when they got there was park and he and Tommy walked out onto the beach. It was a cloudy day. The sky was gray as was the ocean. The strong breeze made it feel a lot colder so Adam and Tommy put their arms around each other to stay warmer.

"It's just beautiful, Tommy. See how big it is, especially when no one's here but us?"

"It's big. Yeah. Really something."

"It's cold. Maybe we can build a fire later?"

Tommy shivered a little. "A fire is what we need. It's fucking freezing out here."

"Bracing, Tommy. It's bracing," Adam said, laughing. He kissed Tommy quickly on the mouth. "Don't worry, I'll keep you warm."

"Yeah, I bet you will," Tommy said, snuggling into Adam's neck.

"Let's go find our cabin."

"Our cabin. Cool. Is that why you brought all that food?"

"We've got to eat, baby."

Tommy smiled at Adam and kissed his cheek. "Okay, Adam, let's go see it."

"Yay, the key is where they said," Adam said triumphantly.

"Damn good thing," Tommy said shivering.

"You need a warmer coat, baby."

"Yeah. Maybe next year."

"I'll build you a fire right away."

"Okay, good."

Adam stepped inside the cabin and looked around. "This is great! Check out the fireplace."

They hauled everything inside and Tommy put everything away while Adam built a fire. When Tommy returned to the living room a nice fire was going. Adam had retrieved the bottle of scotch and was pouring two drinks for them.

"Here, this will help warm you up."

"It's a really good day to stay inside," Tommy said.

Adam smiled and raised an eyebrow. "Maybe some indoor sports would be fun, hmmm?"

"I like the way you say that. What did you have in mind?"

"C'mere and I'll show you," Adam said, patting the space next to him on the couch.

"Am I wrong, or do you like me?"

"I like you," Tommy said.

"I want to kiss you."

"That would be nice," Tommy said and looked up at Adam expectantly.

Adam could almost not stand the beauty of those lips, he wanted them, he wanted all of Tommy. He really is beautiful, Adam thought. Electricity sparked when Adam gently kissed Tommy. Adam felt his stomach flip, felt a fire he'd not felt before, not with ten thousand men, not ever. Maybe it's being away from Portland, he thought. Or maybe I feel a little bit more free.

The kiss became more intense, fire really starting, burning him. What a beautiful burn though. Adam pulled back for a moment, looked at Tommy searchingly and said, "Your lips say something that can't be said in words. Do you feel what I feel?"

"What do you feel?"

"I want you more than I've ever wanted anything."

"Yes...I feel it, so much. I don't know why. Kiss me some more, gorgeous. From now on I'm just calling you gorgeous."

Adam kissed Tommy, and kept on until both had swollen lips. They couldn't seem to stop, were not going to stop. Adam kissed Tommy's neck marking him, delighting in the little gasps coming from Tommy. "I want to make you feel so good, like you've never felt before."

They took turns undressing each other, first shirts, until they felt bare skin, finding and touching every inch, kissing and licking every part of the other. The pants were next. Adam said, "You are so beautiful. I'll call you beautiful from now on."

Adam's dick ached as he rubbed against Tommy. He moved his body up until their dicks rubbed together. He held both in his hand and stroked while he groaned. He heard Tommy panting and swearing as he ground hard into Adam. Adam kissed him again, hard, sloppy, both of them moaning loudly. "Fuck it, Tommy...so hot...fuck you...baby, going to...oh fuck. Yes." Adam came hard pouring out over his hand and onto Tommy's stomach.

Tommy followed quickly, moaning into Adam's mouth as the orgasm ripped through him. Adam kept kissing him and clutched him tightly as he felt the warm wetness of Tommy's come explode on his stomach.

"Oh, baby, that was hot," Adam said and kissed Tommy again. "Who are you and where have you been all my life?" Adam said laughing a little. He moved down and licked and bit Tommy's nipples then licked up the length of his chest. "Mmm...you taste good."

Adam took a glass of scotch and poured some on Tommy's stomach then licked it up along with come. Tommy trembled and said, "Adam, can I have a taste?"

"Oh yeah, honey, you get a taste. I'm a mess, go for it."

Tommy obliged until every drop of come was gone then he looked at Adam's again huge dick and swallowed as much as he could. This time Adam trembled. His head went back as Tommy worked him relentlessly, licking and sucking hard. "Baby, your mouth is a well-kept secret and all mine."

"I'm thirsty, baby," Adam said after coming close to another orgasm. He wanted this to last. He needed to be inside Tommy.

In one motion Adam was up and flipping Tommy over and holding his shoulders down with his stronger arms. His legs were between Tommy's and had spread them wide. He lifted one hand and drank some scotch then kissed Tommy, sharing a little of the drink. Tommy moaned then moved his head back and said, "Better?"

"A little but I want to be in you. Do you want me in you?"

"I want that fucking huge dick in me, yes, the sooner the better. C'mon, do me," Tommy growled, "C'mon."

"I want you to be ready."

"I'm ready, try me," Tommy replied and moaned when he felt Adam's fingers inside him, fucking him, and Adam just about fucking purring as he did so. Adam added another finger and went deep. Tommy swore encouraging him to do more. "Do it, Adam, fuck me...hard as you can."

"My pretty slut, anything for you. You're right, you're ready."

"Get that dick in me now. Huge fucking dick. I want it. C'mon, fuck me."

Adam pushed Tommy's legs back and further apart. He looked into his eyes as he entered him slowly at first. It seemed so easy. Tommy was so ready. Tommy stared back and kept repeating, "Fuck me, fuck me...yeah, that huge dick is so good, knew it would be good...oh, there, oh yeah."

Adam picked Tommy up by his ass and started fucking him hard and deep, over and over again. He pulled almost out then slammed into him again, as deep as he could go. "You've got it all, honey, is it enough for you?" Adam asked slamming hard all the way in. "Is it?" Adam almost screamed.

"You're huge, so good, fucking hot, don't stop, never stop. Adam...oh...Jesus, fuck me..." Tommy moaned and grabbed his own dick and starting stroking furiously.

Adam pushed his hand away and said, "No, I"m gonna make you come. Just the idea of me fucking you."

"But, Adam, my dick, it's fucking painful...I need."

"It won't hurt when I'm done with you," Adam said and started a relentless rhythm that Tommy met stroke for stroke, moaning, growling, swearing.

Adam started kissing Tommy as he fucked him, then biting him, marking him good, leaving no doubt that Tommy was his, only his. "You're mine," Adam said. "Just mine, no one else's, have you got that?"

"Yes," Tommy yelled. "Yours. Fuck me 'til I can't walk...hard, Adam. Like that. Oh."

"I'm about to come in your ass, baby, do you want that? Are you ready for that?"

"I want...I want, do it, please do it."

"The magic starts now. Let's see how long it takes you to come now. Are you feeling it?"

Tommy shuddered. Adam was fucking him so hard his head kept hitting the back of the couch. The sound of skin slapping against skin, the sound of fucking was loud in the room. His dick was aching but he felt the first taste of the orgasm deep in his stomach. It was going to be a slow build, so slow, so strong. He wanted it so much.

"Tommy...I can't wait...anymore, baby, oh fuck," Adam groaned as he slammed into Tommy more erratically as the orgasm built and could only moan Tommy's name over and over again as he came hard in Tommy's tight little ass. "Baby...oh."

He was balls deep in pumping the last bit of come from the orgasm deep into Tommy when he heard him whimper and come hot between their stomachs. He moved slowly riding out the last of the orgasm before collapsing on Tommy, sliding his stomach on the wetness between them and humming, "Mmm."

Adam was still in Tommy when he grabbed Tommy's head, pulled his head toward him and kissed him sloppy and wet, murmuring, "Mmm," over and over. Tommy held on to Adam's hair pulling it roughly toward him and saying, "You are so fucking gorgeous."

Adam laughed and it was if the room filled with light. He was delighted and surprised and the laugh was filled with joy.

"Seriously, where have you been all my life?" Adam asked, smiling, his eyes shining.

"Waiting to find you I guess," Tommy said. "I'm glad I've found you though."

Adam pulled out slowly wishing he didn't have to. "I don't want to leave you, baby. You feel that good."

Tommy already missed Adam too. "We'll just have to do that again soon, right?"

"Right. We will. I think I could fuck you all day and all night. There may not be much time for the beach, Tommy."

"Fuck the beach. I'd rather fuck you," Tommy said a little shyly.

"I don't bottom for just anyone, you know," Adam said. "But I'll make an exception in your case. I'm sure you could convince me." Adam winked and Tommy laughed.

Tommy smiled and said, "Good."

Adam found a towel and wiped them off. They lay down together on the couch with Adam spooning Tommy. He kissed the back of Tommy's head and petted his hair. "I love your blond hair, Tommy. You are so beautiful."

He snuggled his head into the back of Tommy's neck and sighed. "Let's sleep a little. If I get lucky I'll dream about you."

Tommy laughed softly. "You are a sweet man, Adam."

Adam woke up an hour later. When he opened his eyes and saw Tommy's beautiful face and body in the low light he snuggled back up against him and was instantly hard. He might be the death of me, Adam thought, but who cares.

He started moving his hard dick against Tommy's ass, trying to slowly wake him up. He needed him bad even though it had only been an hour or so. He'd never felt like this before. He wondered if he'd ever lived before. Slowly Tommy woke up and said, "Gorgeous, is that you? Feels like you missed me while I was sleeping."

Adam growled, pushed two fingers into Tommy's ass and said, "You make me insatiable. Is this a spell you've put me under?"

Tommy groaned when he felt Adam's fingers. "Make that two for insatiable. That feels good. Please keep doing that."

"You're all ready for me, baby."

"That's a great thought. Put it in me, Adam."

"My insatiable slut. You are such a dirty boy. Such a dirty, pretty, slutty boy. I think that's why I love you."

Adam slid into Tommy easily. He heard Tommy gasp and said, "Your sweet ass is so easy to slide into. Holy fuck, it's so tight."

Tommy tightened his ass around Adam causing Adam to groan. "You really know how to treat a guy. There is nothing like a tight slippery ass...mmm."

"Oh I don't know. There's nothing like a huge fucking dick inside you either."

"It's all good," Adam said starting to fuck Tommy with abandon, hard then slow, in deep then shallow thrusts and deep again, obviously driving Tommy crazy.

"I like the way you move," Tommy said. "I like to feel your heat and your big dick in my ass. I fucking love it."

"Good 'cause I plan on fucking you a lot."

"You do, huh?"

"Night and day if you'll let me."

"Twist my arm...oh, like that, oh, you already know me so well."

"I"m going to move you a little bit, baby, try a different angle. Roll over onto your stomach." Adam pulled Tommy's ass up toward him, pulled him apart and licked around and into his ass, loving the way Tommy was moaning now.

"You like that?"

"I like but I want your dick like I've never wanted anything else in my life."

"Okay, baby, try this," Adam said and slammed into Tommy causing him to gasp loudly. "Ah, I see what you want." He slapped Tommy's ass hard then fucked him hard. He watched Tommy fall all the way apart, pushing back at him, begging and urging him on.

"I love when you hit...there, like that, just like that, oh my god."

"Good boy, hold on, there's a lot more of this." He slapped Tommy's ass again.

"I love it...Adam, please...more. Yeah."

"You are such a slut." Adam fucked him relentlessly, pounding him into the couch, and slapping his ass. It went on and on until each could only groan, swear or beg.

Finally, Adam felt the beginning of the orgasm. He grabbed Tommy's dick and started stroking him, the seeping pre-come acting as a lubricant. "Are you ready, baby? I want you to come with me if you can. Not long...oh, soon, baby, please come for me."

Tommy was panting, growling, overcome with the burn of the fire within him. When he was close he told Adam, "Hard, fuck me hard...gonna come, gorgeous, for you."

Adam moaned and went to his own universe. Tommy tightened his ass around his dick. Stars exploded as he came deep in Tommy again and pushed in and out slowly as he came back down to earth. He was still stroking Tommy when Tommy stopped him and said, "I want to fuck you now. That's how I want to come. In you. Get on your back."

Adam got on his back and spread his legs. Tommy started fingering him and asking Adam if it was good.

"I'm convinced, baby," Adam said panting. "Do it."

Tommy pushed Adam's legs back and started licking his hole and then fucking him with his fingers. Adam was tight but ready. Tommy pushed in slowly, giving Adam's body time to adjust. It didn't take long and he was fucking a groaning, vocal Adam.

"Jesus...good, like that. Your dick is beautiful. Fuck me hard, Tommy, hard."

"Who's the slut now?"

"Me. I'm your slut forever, baby. Just fuck me good."

Tommy started moving fast and hard, he wasn't going to last long, not when he was fucking this gorgeous man.

"I love fucking you. You are so gorgeous. I can't last. Sorry...gonna...oh gonna come. I'm gonna fill you, oh, there, yeah," Tommy groaned as Adam met him stroke for stroke, moaning the whole time, trembling, talking about how beautiful he was, and about much he wanted him.

Finally, Tommy came, the world seeming to shatter into shards as the orgasm hit and he came deep into Adam.

They were a jumbled mess of legs and arms and sweat and come. It was a happy mess and this time Tommy found a towel and wiped them off.

"I can still feel you in my ass," Adam said. "I think I'll feel you forever. I want you to fuck me again, any time, okay?"

"Yeah," Tommy said, "You too, any time."

Adam kissed him warmly, deeply then just looked at him. "I don't know what's going to happen with us, Tommy, but I want you in my life. Please tell me you want me in yours."

"I do, Adam. How could I not want you?"

"You don't know me yet."

"But I do know you. More than you know. Can't you tell?"

"We are in sync, at least in bed, aren't we?"

"Yeah, and in more ways than you know."

"That sounds mysterious," Adam said and laughed. "What makes you think you know all about me?"

"I just do, that's all."

"Okay, come here know it all, Mr. sweet slut, beautiful boy, sweet Tommy. Let's sleep some more."

"Okay, gorgeous. To sleep perchance to dream."

"Yeah, what you said, perchance to dream."

 

Chapter 9

Adam dreamed about Tommy, dreamed they were at the beach, a warm one in southern California. They were having a great time until he looked around and saw familiar faces laughing, all having a great time too. The men were intruders, pushing Tommy away and starting to touch him. He wanted Tommy but he didn't want these men near him. They didn't care and kept coming after him. He tried but couldn't get away from them, there were too many. No, he screamed in his mind, no, not this, oh please. He started to panic, breathing hard, then screaming for them to stop.

Tommy felt and heard Adam in his dream and moved quickly to wake him up. Adam was terrified as he always was when he woke up from the dream. When he was fully awake he just cried while Tommy held him and tried to calm him down.

"Adam. Adam, stop. You're with me. It's okay, Adam. Please."

Adam cried even harder when he heard Tommy's voice and knowing he just wanted to make him feel better. Surely he would hate me if he knew, Adam thought.

"Look at me, Adam," Tommy said with more force than Adam knew he had. "Look at me."

"I'm looking," Adam said, trembling.

"This will never change if you don't talk about it. Never. Please, just tell me what happened. I won't judge you, Adam. I promise I won't. I have a few skeletons myself, things I"m not proud of. I've hurt people even though I didn't mean to. I'm trying to imagine what happened that could so bad that the result is you right now."

"What if you hate me, Tommy? What if you can't handle what happened? I've already had that happen...my ex...Brad didn't understand. He didn't love me."

"I didn't even know you had an ex, Adam. I'm not him though. Please trust me."

"I don't know what I'd do if you hate me." Adam said, a tear running down his cheek.

"Sometimes you've got to try. Try and trust me."

"I do. Don't think I don't. You're different and I know it."

"Okay then," Tommy said and kissed Adam's cheek. "Here, have a drink. That might help."

Adam nodded 'yes,' and gratefully took the glass of scotch and drained it. "Another one. I need another one. Please."

Adam drained it too then looked at Tommy and said, "I don't know where to start."

"The beginning would be a place."

Adam smiled ruefully. "I'm not sure I know where the beginning is. The way I lived my life had something to do with it."

"Tommy, I lived in L.A., in West Hollywood for several years after high school. It's pretty sheltered really because the gays, everyone I knew, accepted me as I am, and by that I mean that being gay was okay."

"Sounds like a good place."

"It is...it can be but it's sheltered as I said. And I was pretty naïve. Tommy, I worked at being a singer. I appeared in small clubs, was in a musical, worked at day jobs in retail but there was one other thing I did that wasn't very smart. I did it because I needed money and it was an easy way to make money. I wasn't a hooker, more like an entertainer only at private parties for men. I wasn't supposed to have to fuck them just entertain them, dance a little, flirt with them, maybe kiss the groom at a bachelor party. You'd be amazed at how many straight boys liked gay me."

"That doesn't sound so bad, Adam. Hooking would be worse but I wouldn't hate you for that either."

"You're a sweet man, Tommy Joe. There's more though. I lived with Brad. I was in love with Brad. He was really young though, so I guess he didn't love me, not really love me. He was there when times were good, and he always wanted to go out and it costs a lot to do that and so I did the parties."

"This one night...the night it happened, it was just another party. I was the entertainment along with another guy at a bachelor party. I danced for the groom, stripped, flirted, and kissed him. I think...I think I just got too close, gave it too much. It was too real for them. They wanted their friend to get off and thought I was the one to make it happen. Why they picked guys for a bachelor party I don't know 'cause these were straight boys. Thinking about it, maybe they just thought it'd be easier to fuck me than a woman. I don't know. Maybe they thought it wouldn't be rape if it was a guy they were fucking with."

A tear rolled down Adam's cheek and he said, "Do you see where this is going?"

"Yeah," Tommy said softly. "I think I do...you ended up giving the guy a blow job or let him fuck you. Where was the other guy?"

"He left after the formal entertainment was over. I told him I'd clean up and that he could go. I didn't know they wanted more. It wasn't part of the deal, ya know?"

"Yeah."

"So I was just about done and they called me over. They were all drunk, crazy drunk and started insisting that I blow the guy. I told them that wasn't why I was there. I told them I was leaving. They wouldn't let me though and I thought well, if I just do this one thing it'll be over. Otherwise I really wasn't sure how I was going to get out of there."

"Adam, I'm so sorry. I get it...why you didn't want to talk about it." Tommy rubbed Adam's arms.

"It gets worse, Tommy, much worse," Adam said and he started crying again. "I'm sorry. I feel so weak, so useless."

"I can't imagine anyone doing very well with this. Do you want to tell me the rest?"

Adam nodded. "Yeah, okay." He shrugged and looked miserable. "Okay, so I decided to just blow the guy and have done with it. They loved that and yelled and cheered. They told their friend he was lucky to get a blow job from such a pretty fag. God, Tommy, it was humiliating. The guy finally came and I thought it was over, but it was just beginning."

"Holy shit...they didn't..."

"Yeah," Adam said almost whispering and started sobbing for real. "When this guy was done he laughed and said he wanted to share me with his friends. They really liked that idea and starting chanting someone's name to get it going. I tried to get away again, just get out the door but they surrounded me and pushed me down. There were at least twenty of them and only me. This guy put his dick in my face, grabbed my head and made me blow him. Then they passed me around so I got to do that with everyone there. As that was going on someone pulled my pants down and started fucking me. It hurt like a sonofabitch but I still couldn't get away. It seemed endless, Tommy. I thought it would never end."

Tommy was crying now too, tears rolling down his face. "I know why you didn't want to talk about it. I know and I'm sorry I wanted you to."

"I think it's better that I do. You're right. I need to get it out and try and get rid of it. It hurts all the time, Tommy, every day, every night, all the time. I am so numb sometimes...so despondent, helpless. I can't seem to shake it."

They hugged for a moment and Adam said, "I'm almost done. I want to finish, then it's done."

Tommy nodded and held Adam's hands.

"I think it went on forever because they didn't come, they just kept switching out. But finally they'd had enough. What they did next was maybe the worst part of it. They pushed me on my back on the floor and surrounded me while they jacked off and one by one they came on me while they laughed and called me a slut and a fag. It was worse than humiliating, it was way beyond that. They just left me there and finally went away. I think I was in shock. I couldn't get up, couldn't get moving again. I really just wished I was dead. I really was dead in a way I think. I got up and tried to clean up and went home to Brad and told him just a part of it. Let's just say that he wasn't sympathetic. That's when I knew he didn't care about me at all."

"Did you try and do anything about it?"

"What could I do? No one would believe it...and I did consent at first, for the one guy. I was so afraid that I'd be laughed at and not believed. And I couldn't talk about it anyway. I didn't want anyone to know. Something like that is a career killer. I had to leave, Tommy, had to get out of there. I thought if I didn't live there anymore that I could forget. It hasn't worked out that way."

"Adam, I can't say to you that I know how you feel because I really don't. I can imagine but I don't know. It wasn't your fault, baby. Please believe me, it wasn't. I don't think any less of you. You're better than most people I've ever met. You're much stronger than you know. Here you are and you've survived and you're trying. That's a lot."

"I just don't want to think about it anymore. I've tried so hard not to."

"Have you considered therapy, just someone to talk to?"

"No. I really didn't want to talk about it. Maybe...now that I have...maybe. You don't hate me?"

"Adam...can't you see...don't you know..."

"Know what?"

"Adam, I love you. I've loved you for a while. You hang the moon for me. I think I knew it the first time I saw you." Tommy laughed a little and said, "I was afraid I'd been such an asshole that you wouldn't like me. Do you think I'm an asshole?"

Adam laughed through the tears. "Well I kinda sorta wondered about you at first but then I found out about that tough guy image you like to project, so, no, you're not an asshole to me anyway."

"Good," Tommy said smiling.

"You can actually love me after what I told you?"

"I do, actually."

"It's kind of funny...a few weeks ago Megan told me that I had it bad for you and I told her she was crazy, that we were friends. You've kind of grown on me, Tommy Joe. I really don't want to think about being in the world without you in it with me. It's tough to say the L word because it's so important to be sure you mean it, and I've also been so sure that no one would ever love me. All I know is that when I hear you say the words to me my stomach does flip-flops and I feel so happy I almost can't contain it. I love you too, Tommy. I actually, truly do."

"Wow...just wow," Tommy said grinning. "Now this is a day, a great day. It's like seeing all the MASH reruns, and the best horror films, eating a taco, and playing the guitar, and having the hottest sex all in one day at the best beach in the world with the best guy in the world."

"Yeah, that's what I think," Adam laughed. "I'm so tired of crying. How about if we get dressed really warm and go to the beach? I promise to dress you up warm."

"Okay. Here we come, beach."

After they showered Adam found a big sweater for Tommy to put on under his coat and then gave him a scarf to wear. "This is my special skull scarf. I know you'll like that. It's from...before but it's wicked cool."

"Jesus, Adam, you're talking like a Mainer."

"Maine's not such a bad place after all," Adam said. "Winter is finally going away and summer will be here soon. And of course, you're here, a real Mainer."

"I like that," Tommy said. "I'll make you an honorary real Mainer. You weren't born here so there's nothing I can do about that."

"Honorary Mainer is such an honor. Let's go to the beach, baby."

 

Chapter 10

When Tommy woke up in the early morning hour of four am he found himself alone. He momentarily panicked, wondering where Adam was. Did he miss a bad dream and Adam was freaking out somewhere? Tommy got up quickly to look around. There was a light on in the kitchen but no sign of Adam. Where was he? The beach?

Tommy quickly dressed and put on his coat. He opened the front door, frowning as he worried about Adam. There was a stand of trees in the middle of a circular drive with the cabins surrounding it. He saw and heard Adam from a distance, watching him standing under the trees and singing while looking at the partial moon above.

Adam was singing, really singing. Tommy listened for a few moments to the beautiful voice that filled the night. The notes he was hitting were unearthly. No one can sing like that, Tommy thought. He's never sung like this before. Tears welled in Tommy's eyes. My God, he's singing, he wants to sing again.

Tommy moved forward toward Adam who heard a sound and turned to Tommy. He smiled and continued singing but at a lower volume. Adam stopped and said, "Sorry I woke you. I just felt like letting loose...wailing a little."

"It's okay, you didn't wake me. Your voice is amazing. I never heard you sing like that before. You need to sing. I can tell you love it. You should have an audience. It's really too bad there's no one here but us."

"We'll see," Adam said. "I might have to, ya know."

"Yeah. I know. We should maybe go to New York and find us both jobs with our music."

"Maybe we should," Adam said. "I think I could do it. We could at least visit and see if anyone's interested."

"They'll be interested in you."

"You're shivering, Tommy. Let's go inside. C'mere."

"I'm glad you woke up actually 'cause I was thinking. Tommy...I didn't say 'thank you' for listening to me and it wasn't fun stuff to listen to...so anyway, thank you. I don't feel so alone anymore."

"I want to know it all, ya know and you will never be alone again."

"It might be a long haul with me," Adam said. "I'm not...exactly over this...this thing in my life. I want to be but I'm not."

Tommy saw more tears welling up in Adam's eyes and said, "I didn't expect you would be."

"Okay. It's just...I want to give you an out if you need it."

"It's not that easy to lose me, ya know?"

Tears rolled down Adam's face.

"Adam, I'm not going anywhere. I don't care how long it takes. You sang tonight. You really sang."

"I did," Adam said and sighed.

"So that matters. At the end of the day, I want to be with you."

"I guess you're stuck then."

"It's official then. I'm the stuckee."

"Tommy Joe, do you really wanna get stuck?" Adam asked raising an eyebrow.

"Definitely yes if you're thinking what I'm thinking."

"Oh I think I am," Adam whispered in Tommy's ear, "You are insatiable."

Tommy grinned and palmed Adam's dick through his jeans. "You gonna do something with this or just talk about it?"

Adam laughed and said, "Bossy too."

"We need to go on vacation more often."

"I'll remember that," Adam said as he picked Tommy up and threw him over his shoulder. "You are so gonna get it, Tommy Joe."

When they got to the bedroom Adam said, "Get on the bed facing me. Okay now get up here in my lap."

Adam was sitting up leaning back against the headboard. Tommy put his legs around Adam's waist and sat on Adam's lap as they ground into each other. "You're already huge, Adam. I think I'm gonna like this."

"You're gonna love it. Kiss me, mmm."

Adam started fingering Tommy. "Jesus, baby, you really want me."

"I do so do it. Please. C'mon."

Adam picked Tommy up by the ass, settled into Tommy and pushed him all the way down making Tommy gasp. "No fucking way."

"Too much?"

"No, perfect."

"Don't move. Just let me fuck you."

"Give me your mouth," Tommy said.

"Look at you, Tommy, so beautiful for me. Your ass is a work of art. Ohh...I felt that...so tight and sweet. You make me crazy, baby," Adam groaned and fucked Tommy faster holding on tight to his hips.

Tommy gripped Adam's shoulders and leaned back a bit. He dug his feet into the bed and moved with Adam matching his moves with a dancer's grace.

Adam slowed down watching the way Tommy moved with him They looked into each other's eyes and fucked each other with something like wonder. Tommy caressed Adam's cheeks, then his arms, his chest making soft sounds every time Adam pushed into him.

"Fuck. This is so sensual," Adam groaned. "So good, baby...so...erotic."

"You're so hard," Adam said as he stroked Tommy's dick. "God, I love the way your face looks when I fuck you."

"Oh God, I'm gonna come. It's too good...I can't stop...it...oh fuck," Tommy groaned as he came over Adam's chest.

Adam kept fucking him slowly almost coming himself when Tommy tightened his ass around his dick . He was even closer when Tommy licked a line of come from his chest and rolled it around in their mouths when Tommy kissed him.

"Jesus, you are killer," Adam groaned. He started fucking Tommy harder and Tommy moaned more loudly with every thrust.

Adam felt it start and groaned Tommy's name over and over as he lost it in Tommy's sweet ass. "I love you...fuck it, baby."

They clung onto each other after neither wanting to leave the other. "So good, Tommy...so good."

"I know...unreal. I'm still feeling the heat. I'm so turned on. Do we have to move?"

"Eventually I guess," Adam said laughing. "You are so talented, baby."

"You bring out the best in me ya know, you and your huge dick, and your talented tongue, and your beautiful lips, and those blue eyes, and your sweetness. You're a sweet guy, Adam Lambert and I love you."

"You're a sweet guy too ya know and I love you too."

Finally, it was time to move. "How about a shower and then I take you out to lunch?"

"Food sounds really good."

"You eat like a horse. How do you stay so tiny?"

"Oh, so you like my girlish figure?"

"Oh, yeah, I do but we need to eat."

"Let's do it and go to the beach. We can go a little farther today. It is a little gloomy out there."

"Doesn't matter. We'll warm each other up."

"Yeah. I think we will," Tommy said and smiled.

Adam smiled too, one of those smiles that lit up a room.

"Your eyes are all sparkly, Adam."

"I feel happy," Adam said.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, and I think it's going to last."

 

Epilogue

Two solitary figures walk together on the beach on a cloudy windy day. Waves break close by, white foam in contrast to the gray-green sea water. One man is much taller than the other and has his arm slung casually over the smaller man's shoulder. Together they are a study in contrast, the taller man is dark-haired with blue eyes, the shorter blond-haired and brown-eyed.

From time to time each kisses the other and smiles into a neck or chest. They seem content and happy even on such a gloomy day. They seem to make their own sun. The taller man stops and pulls the other close to him. He kisses him deeply, smooths back the blond hair from the brown eyes and says something to the man. The smaller man tilts his head, smiles and kisses the tall man, his hands rubbing the man's arms. They put their arms back around each other and continue down the beach.

At one point in their conversation they are both laughing when the smaller man reaches under the other's coat and starts tickling him then runs away and is chased down the beach. The taller man catches him and they fall in the sand together, entangled and laughing as they tickle each other. They end up kissing passionately while sprawled on the sandy beach. When they stop they look at each other and laugh. The taller man gets up first and offers his hand to the other. They brush each other off and continue walking down the beach.

Every once in a while the taller man starts singing a snippet of a song. The smaller man just looks at him in awe, like it's the best thing he's ever heard. He makes a song request and they sing together. The taller man pulls something from his pocket and pulls off a small piece of a cookie left over from lunch. He offers it to the other man and places it in his mouth then takes a bite himself. They take turns breaking off bits of cookie and feeding the other. When they're done they brush the crumbs from each other's lips and then the smaller man kisses his lover. They hold on to each other for a long time. Their eyes are shining when they pull apart.

When they get to a cluster of large rocks, they sit down next to each other holding hands and talking quietly. The smell, the feel, the vastness of the ocean stretches out before them and seems to suit their mood. They feel humble but for different reasons. They understand how they fit together now where before they didn't know and it makes all the difference. Love is a mysterious thing but they each seem to understand that this is what it's all about for them. Two together for the long road ahead of them.


End file.
